Solo Parenting

Solo parenting comes with a stigma. No one says it outright, but everyone knows it’s there. That’s why there are comparatively few of us — fear of the unknown keeps many from even trying.

We can spot each other in the wild. Instantly. That’s why one of the best relationships I’ve ever had — and in some ways, yes, one of the hardest — was with another solo parent, who, like me, was raised by a fierce solo mom.

We saw each other long before we ever met in the flesh. For several years, we made it work: a blended family of five, split between two counties. No joke.

When people in the shops mistook my boyfriend for my youngest daughter’s dad, I didn’t correct them. We were known in the village where we spent weekends, holidays, school breaks. And when COVID closed the land border between our two counties, local shop owners still asked after “the girls.”

I want all three of our kids to carry the legacy of how rare and beautiful that time was.

But ultimately, I decided — and I think he did too — that it was better for the kids if we went back to what it was before we met. Back to solo.

What people often don’t understand when they judge a solo parent is that they’re not judging someone who’s broken, or who “can’t keep a man/woman happy.” More often than not, they’re judging someone who put their child(ren) first.

My daughters’ father and I — a mix of German, French, Russian, Welsh Kale, Scottish, and Irish — made undeniably beautiful kids. Our separation, when the girls were five and ten, made us better parents.

My daughters are mature, kind, creative, and thoughtful — and so is my stepson, still part of our extended constellation.

We all judge. It’s human. To say otherwise is dishonest.

Our landlords live next door, and one day I ran into her while loading our snowboarding gear into my white Nissan Rogue — with the purple crescent moon sticker on the back. Neither of my former partners would have approved of the pink ducky on the dash either. She said, “You know… sometimes I—almost—envy you.”

There it was. Almost.

Yes, solo parenting often means financial insecurity. It’s basic math. Two households cost more than one.

But you cannot put a price on peace.

So if you catch yourself quietly judging a solo parent, maybe take a beat.

You might be judging someone who chose peace.

Who chose their kids.

Who chose themselves.

J xx